The Opposite of “Win” is “Lose”

Just chilling ...

​by Maria Corse


Our culture has distorted the concept of competition beyond recognition and grossly misinterpreted it to convey that winning means defeating, conquering, and overpowering someone or something else. The human condition exemplifies the power of competition - survival of the fittest, etc... We are here as anatomically modern humans as a result of our ancient ancestors ability to develop adaptations and use their smarts (hacks) to survive. I will point out (tongue in cheek), however, that their personal goal was, probably, not to make sure the Neanderthals were annihilated as a species.

I often hear kids comparing themselves and their personal accomplishments to their friends and acquaintances, and, in the process either denigrating themselves or others. It is what they have been taught to do (remember: culture = learned behavior) from their earliest moments on earth. They are surrounded and bombarded with the message: winner takes all and losers are, well, losers.

This very scenario was in evidence last Thursday, during our excursion, when we brought eight of our kids, ranging in age from 4 to 13, to the St Lawrence University Climbing Wall. Some had never been before and others had been multiple times. Besides the age range, there were kids who were very excited about climbing and others who were happy to relax on the mats and simply soak in the experience. To break it down further, some were determined to climb to the top, because they wanted to challenge themselves; a couple of others had the added impetus of surpassing everyone else's achievements.

This was a very literal, hands-on experience that exemplified, for me, how societal pressures can reinforce external motivation, for almost every single thing we choose to be engaged in.

I, as usual, disagree with this view, and, will argue, quite strenuously, for developing intrinsic motivation, instead . . .

​If you are climbing a rock wall to, simply, go higher than the other guy – you will not find lasting satisfaction in the accomplishment, because, ultimately, you are only fueling that endless cycle of external drive. Sure you may have climbed higher and faster, but when your focus is purely on beating another, you instantly imagine (create) an “enemy” and lose all sense of compassion and empathy for that other person. Winning then becomes about making someone else feel bad, instead of feeding your own positive reinforcement.

If, however, you are completely passionate about climbing rock walls, then by all means, push yourself to go higher and higher, learn new skills, explore the limits of your endurance, and have fun! The rest of us are thrilled to be here at the bottom rooting for you with the understanding that when we are working on something challenging and exciting, you will be right there on the sidelines cheering for us.

In the end, your happiness and all those other positive emotions associated with effort and success will come from “winning” at setting personal goals, as well as, your inherent determination, passion, and enthusiastic support for others, not from demolishing another person's hopes and dreams.

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Determination in the face of exhaustion.

Pushing Personal Limits

A little boost from below

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