I think many of us have been experiencing this weird relationship with time.  In one respect, the days, weeks, and months are flying by. In another, it seems like I have been "sheltering in place" for much longer than six weeks.  My days have begun to follow a routine that conforms more closely with my natural bio-rhythms.  Although, I am not up nearly as early as was my custom during much of my lifetime.  In general, I work on various tasks during the morning, take a long break in the afternoon to nap, read, play word games, etc., and then, after dinner, I have another short creative period, before heading to bed at my usual early hour.

Within the comfort of this routine, I am still finding an overarching dissonance that invades every waking moment.  I am restless. I can't seem to focus on anything that doesn't provide that hit of endorphins I get from being fully engaged and utterly buried in the creative process.  This, in itself, is not highly unusual.  Even during "normal" times, I tend toward attention deficit.  Nevertheless, this feels different, and, for whatever reason, this past week has been particularly hard.  

In thinking about it, I believe it comes from the absence of two things:  1) a "captive" audience, that provides immediate and direct feedback throughout the day, and 2) the ability to plan for the future.  

Yet, this feeling seems to be coming from something even larger than those missing pieces. There is also a sense of personal failure attached.  The "stuff" I am producing doesn't seem to be hitting its mark. No one is responding to my queries.

Maybe, I am not asking the right questions.  Or, it could be, folks are focused on getting through one hour at a time and are not able to think beyond the next day, never-mind the next week. Nonetheless, I feel like I am an echo chamber filled with endless ideas, bouncing around inside my head with no useful or feasible outlet.  

And, with this thought, I circle right back to the fact that I can not make concrete plans.  Will DRC be able to have a summer program, as we originally planned?  Will we be able to return to business as usual in September?  And, if this is going to be an ongoing situation, what can the Deep Root Center facility be used for if we can not serve our community in the way it was designed?  These questions are never far below the surface, which likely contributes to my restlessness and feelings of inadequacy.  

In the end, I have to remind myself to trust that this, too, shall pass. The Universe in all her wisdom is taking care of all of us.  As frustrating and unproductive as it feels, we simply have to sit back and let her work her magic.  She will, ultimately, reveal everything, in her own time, on a need to know basis. 

In the meantime, while you, too, are waiting to be enlightened, be gentle with yourself, and be well!

DRC News

As you can see from the above graphic and the below VLOG post, we sincerely want to know how Deep Root Center can help you and your family, during this crisis, but also in the future.  Please let us know - in comments here or in an email.

In other news, I am in the process of re-reading and categorizing all of these blog posts. I am finished with one year - only five and a half to go.  Keep in mind this is only the sorting part - I still have to decide which posts to include in a compilation, and then edit them.   Yikes!

If this wasn’t a devastating worldwide pandemic, accompanied by the overhanging knowledge that we cannot make plans, because none of us knows how long this is going to last, I am perfectly happy to be sheltering at home.  Unlike many, I have no desire to get out.  This is not hard in the least.  My nest is extremely cozy, and it offers all I need.

Yes, of course, I miss my DRC Peeps – along with all the projects and activities that fill our days at the Center.  And, yes, I am sad that I am not able to meet with families to help them navigate the complexities of opting out of school.  However, to be completely honest, as much as I love my role as the Executive Director of Deep Root Center (I wouldn’t want to do anything else), as an introvert, I find the job utterly exhausting – mentally and emotionally.  During normal times, I feel like I never get enough downtime – space to pause and get completely lost in my thoughts.

I understand that I am fairly unique in my desire to be alone.  My mother, indirectly, reminded me of this during a video-chat and texting session this past week.  Mom is a widow.  My dad died seven years ago.  She had, up until a few months ago, refused to enter the technological age.  I think it would be fair to say she came into it kicking and screaming.  But, once she made up her mind, she acted fairly quickly. She took a computer class, bought a tablet, and had internet installed in her house.  It took a while, (with my three siblings, and the Spectrum guys, working on it) to get it all set up.  This past week, I talked (texted) her through downloading the Google Duo App on her tablet so she could do video chats with my siblings and me, as well as her grandchildren. She is thrilled to have that visual connection to her family.  

After our initial conversation, I sent her an email with the link to my latest Vlog post about allowing kids to be bored.  She responded, in a text, that I should do one about loneliness because it is similar to boredom.  It is something that she has experienced, off and on, since my dad died, but it is especially prevalent, now that she is home-bound.  She has talked about the effects of it with other folks who have lost a spouse and are living alone.

I find it disconcerting to offer suggestions for those who are feeling lonely, mainly because I don’t personally experience it, but here goes.  I think the main part of this may be that most people are not comfortable with themselves, or their thought processes. They may have crowded every moment of their lives with busy-ness, so they wouldn’t have to dig deeper to learn more about themselves. Maybe, they have filled their emotional cup by serving others, and not taking care of themselves. There are so many variables to the equation, and I am not here to judge any of them.

No, I am not suggesting it is only, mind over matter.  However, changing your mindset could be helpful.  By switching up your narrative - the story you tell yourself - you may be able to experience something besides loneliness.  Maybe, you could feel - useful, creative, or even joyful.  The concept is similar to some of the memes that have been circulating social media since this pandemic started.  "Instead of thinking: I am stuck at home  – think: I am safe at home, and I am keeping the ones I love safe."