Yesterday, my brother Pete, the grower and producer of Rel Hemp products, put out a request for comments on his social media posts asking the question, "what is your purpose?" I wanted to respond to his question but couldn't. Let me explain. On any given day, everything I write, whether it is a response on a post, a letter or email, or this blog, needs to run itself through the filters in the depths of my subconscious before it comes out. I can try to write in the moment, but whatever spews forth is utter crap. And truth be told, the exercise is mentally excruciating.
However, in this particular case, it was more than my typical process at work. I realized last evening when I tried to write this piece (and came up with total shit) that I felt like a Play-Doh fun factory had squeezed me into a useless, limp pile of emotionally charged mush.
Take your pick: anger, rage, fury, irritation, agitation, bitterness, contempt, disgust, frustration, grief, horror, embarrassment, resentment, shock, hurt, dread, loathing, and vengefulness. These are just a few of the emotions that have cycled through this brain in the past twenty-four hours, and those stacked onto the already long list, which included: uninspired, anxious, disengaged, listless, discouraged, and overwhelmed.
Beyond the obvious - a national shit-show that proved that someone is, quite literally, capable of getting away with murder, as long as they produce an alternative story, filled with lies, that millions can and will adopt as truth. I also learned of another peripheral tragedy that was, in hindsight, most likely caused by incredibly stupid, holier than thou, and irresponsible (possibly criminal) leadership. And to top it all off, this pandemic has rendered me (us) into a place of ambiguity, stagnation, and restlessness.
I understand what my purpose is in "normal" times. I know why I used to fly out of bed at 5 am ready to take on the world. But for someone who thrives on inventing new ideas and who flourishes when things are in flux and the process of morphing, this is soul-sucking. I am that person who, absolutely, needs the stimulus and upheaval of change.
And as a direct contradiction, yes, I am also an introvert who appreciates orchestrating all of that from my quietly remote "nest."
The unknowing and uncertainty feeds my restlessness and inability to focus. How can I drive the next thing for DRC when none of us knows what to expect in the next week, month, or year?
And more importantly, what can I do to generate enough personal excitement through this lassitude and all of the other "feels" to construct something concrete, worthwhile, and doable, which may only be tangentially related to Deep Root Center?
Oh, I know, as "they" say, "this too shall pass." And, I will figure out how to get myself motivated and kicked into "high-gear" eventually.
Come to think of it - I can almost feel the creative juices begin to simmer and bubble. Maybe, this is what I needed - to acknowledge and be honest (to you and myself) about my feelings of intense anger, impotence, inadequacy, and defeat.
In the next week or so, we will be rolling out short social media video clips taken from interviews of our kiddos, parents, and me when Liam Crossen Films was here gathering footage in November. I will share them here, and on our website, as well.
Happy Valentines Day (for those who celebrate)!
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