All the Feelings
I think many of us have been experiencing this weird relationship with time. In one respect, the days, weeks, and months are flying by. In another, it seems like I have been "sheltering in place" for much longer than six weeks. My days have begun to follow a routine that conforms more closely with my natural bio-rhythms. Although, I am not up nearly as early as was my custom during much of my lifetime. In general, I work on various tasks during the morning, take a long break in the afternoon to nap, read, play word games, etc., and then, after dinner, I have another short creative period, before heading to bed at my usual early hour.
Within the comfort of this routine, I am still finding an overarching dissonance that invades every waking moment. I am restless. I can't seem to focus on anything that doesn't provide that hit of endorphins I get from being fully engaged and utterly buried in the creative process. This, in itself, is not highly unusual. Even during "normal" times, I tend toward attention deficit. Nevertheless, this feels different, and, for whatever reason, this past week has been particularly hard.
In thinking about it, I believe it comes from the absence of two things: 1) a "captive" audience, that provides immediate and direct feedback throughout the day, and 2) the ability to plan for the future.
Yet, this feeling seems to be coming from something even larger than those missing pieces. There is also a sense of personal failure attached. The "stuff" I am producing doesn't seem to be hitting its mark. No one is responding to my queries.
Maybe, I am not asking the right questions. Or, it could be, folks are focused on getting through one hour at a time and are not able to think beyond the next day, never-mind the next week. Nonetheless, I feel like I am an echo chamber filled with endless ideas, bouncing around inside my head with no useful or feasible outlet.
And, with this thought, I circle right back to the fact that I can not make concrete plans. Will DRC be able to have a summer program, as we originally planned? Will we be able to return to business as usual in September? And, if this is going to be an ongoing situation, what can the Deep Root Center facility be used for if we can not serve our community in the way it was designed? These questions are never far below the surface, which likely contributes to my restlessness and feelings of inadequacy.
In the end, I have to remind myself to trust that this, too, shall pass. The Universe in all her wisdom is taking care of all of us. As frustrating and unproductive as it feels, we simply have to sit back and let her work her magic. She will, ultimately, reveal everything, in her own time, on a need to know basis.
In the meantime, while you, too, are waiting to be enlightened, be gentle with yourself, and be well!
As you can see from the above graphic and the below VLOG post, we sincerely want to know how Deep Root Center can help you and your family, during this crisis, but also in the future. Please let us know - in comments here or in an email.
In other news, I am in the process of re-reading and categorizing all of these blog posts. I am finished with one year - only five and a half to go. Keep in mind this is only the sorting part - I still have to decide which posts to include in a compilation, and then edit them. Yikes!
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