Reconciling My Quest for Perfection With a Hard Dose of Reality

Perfection is my enduring aspiration. Unfortunately, my neurospiciness has other priorities—creativity, spontaneity, impulsiveness, flexibility, and the persistent belief that nothing is ever truly finished. The result? I spend hours checking, rechecking, and then checking a dozen more times for obvious errors, misspellings, grammar mishaps, and any slip-ups that might make me look less competent than I am. As I mentioned earlier this fall, one of my biggest fears is appearing foolish or incompetent.

Case in point: I revised our funding appeal compulsively. I had multiple people review it. I checked the proof before sending it to the printer. And still, the moment I opened the package, there it was—an error staring back at me. I'd accidentally added a white version of the DRC logo in Canva, which disappeared against the white background in the digital proof but showed up plain as day in print. Despite all my efforts, the mistake slipped through. It's just one more in a daily catalog of "oops" moments that persist no matter how hard I try.

Here's the paradox: I obsess over these details because I've learned I usually miss them—especially the most obvious and important ones. Yet I can walk into a room and immediately sense that someone was there before me, simply because something was moved an inch to the left. My brain notices everything and nothing, all at once.

This quest for perfection extends beyond projects—writing, cooking, crafts—to my appearance, housekeeping, and even my behavior around others. A telling example: before a leg ultrasound this past week to rule out blood clots (negative, thankfully), I felt compelled to shave so the technician wouldn't encounter my very furry wintertime legs. I didn't end up doing it—the cold bathroom and mental exhaustion won that battle—but the urge itself was revealing. Why was I so ready to modify my body for a medical professional who's seen thousands of legs? The absurdity hit me: I'd internalized this need to preemptively manage other people's comfort, real or imagined.

I recognize this people-pleasing urge for what it is—61 years strong, rarely useful, rarely healthy. But awareness doesn't stop it. What does? Inconvenience. A cold bathroom. The extra ten minutes. And that's what bothers me most: I spend my days mentoring young people, encouraging them to be unapologetically themselves, to embrace the quirks and differences that make them authentic. Yet I can't seem to extend that same grace to myself.
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As I've been writing this, something just clicked into place. The anxiety, the fear of appearing incompetent—it all traces back to decades of masking, of trying to pass as "normal," of constantly monitoring myself to hide the ways my brain works differently.
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This weekly blog continues to be cathartic. It lets me take whatever bubbles up during the week and work through it on the page. In the process, I'm learning to accept the whole package: the weird, quirky, unconventional, still-learning-and-growing human I actually am. And maybe, within all of that messy authenticity, I'll find what I'm really after—not perfection, but grace, acceptance, and gratitude. Not despite the imperfections, but because of them.

Thank you for coming along on this adventure. If the lessons I'm stumbling through as I write resonate with your own journey, or give you permission to embrace your own messy authenticity, then that makes the fumbling worthwhile.

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DRC News

Weekly Wrap-up

The DRC Canton Crew had a full week. Some teens rediscovered the building toys in the Seedlings room and spent a good deal of time building towers. In Kitchen Sink Science, we are experimenting with several variables to determine which slice of bread grows mold the fastest. Lilly brought in a game to play. The kitchen was busy all week, making our lunches every day and baking banana-blueberry muffins on Friday. Digby supervised the action from his favorite spots. And, there is finally enough snow to go sledding! We had four teens visit on Friday. Two of them will be joining us on Monday. 

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The DRC Pop-Ups Peeps had a blast with a new game on Thursday afternoon at the Massena Public Library. Janine reports that they laughed so hard they were crying.

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Good News

It is official! Deep Root Center owns this old place - in all its glory! The discharge of mortgage came through on Thursday morning.

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