“I’m Just Joking,” is Not an Excuse

Author’s Note: This is not the fun piece I had intended to write this week. Sometimes, real life has a way of changing plans and creating opportunities. This is one of those times. 

Having fun with a coin toss physics lesson in Kitchen Sink Science class

When someone retreats to "I'm just joking" or "it's just a joke" after being called out, they're not offering the defense they think they are. These phrases are a transparent cover for cruelty—an attempt to repackage unacceptable behavior as harmless banter while posturing as tough for an audience. The disguise fools no one, and no one is laughing. We recognize it for what it is: another tool in the bully's arsenal.

Authentic comedy can be a powerful device to discuss controversial issues—but it should never turn vulnerable people into punchlines or use language that demeans them. Period. 
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The questions I'm left struggling with: How do we teach empathy to those who reach for this excuse again and again? How do we break the cycle of peer pressure that reinforces it? How do we get them actually to care? What drives the desire to hurt others in the first place? Those of us who can't imagine intentionally harming someone struggle to understand those who can. I know I'm not alone in lying awake, replaying my day, wondering if I inadvertently hurt someone. This is probably why I can't easily answer my own questions without considerable thought and research.

The other variable complicating these questions is the Deep Root Center's Self-Directed Learning philosophy, grounded in trust and non-coercion. When a student betrays that trust, I feel it deeply—while knowing I can't force atonement. Coercion doesn't create genuine remorse or lasting change. It breeds resentment. 

What I can do: discuss the impact of their actions, acknowledge my own disappointment and anger—because I'm human—ask them to take responsibility rather than make excuses, involve their parents, and offer opportunities for meaningful growth through restorative practices. Ultimately, the decision is theirs. They know that if they can't uphold our one rule of respect in good faith to rebuild trust, DRC isn't the right place for them, and they will have to leave.

I don't have answers yet. But after all these years, I know that changing hearts and minds is slow, uncertain work, especially when someone has built their social currency on making others feel small. What I can offer is consistency: clear boundaries, honest conversations, and genuine opportunities for repair. Some students will rise to meet that challenge. Others won't—at least not yet.
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All I can do is create the conditions where growth is possible and trust that the work matters, even when I don't see immediate results and feel the weight of discouragement. That's when I need to catch myself and remember to celebrate even the tiniest step forward, along with all of the good I witness every day.

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DRC News

Weekly Wrap-up

The DRC Canton Crew had another short week with a snow day on Monday. We were also missing Chris, who was out sick. For the most part, we had a positive vibe running through the Center—kids fully engaged and doing their thing, but as you can probably surmise from the essay this week, we had a few tough moments to work through. I also didn’t catch much of the action in photos. 

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DRC Pop-ups

The Pop-ups Peeps met at Nicandri Nature Center this Thursday and had a great time playing in the snow.

​They will meet at Nicandri again this coming Thursday, February 5th.